Saturday, July 08, 2006

Tarheels on ice

[N.B.: the writer of this article hates hockey.]

I HATE HOCKEY! Ok, ok, it's wonderful that the Carolina Hurricanes won Lord Stanley's Cup, but can we get over it? I mean, what is the big deal about winning the championship of a game that is played by Canadian ice skaters with bad hair cuts, and fewer teeth than a native of Appalachia? And why do we want a trophy whose name sounds like a piece of athletic equipment worn by a Member of Parliament? I say!

My ire has been stirred up because of all those damn twits with the Hurricanes' flags on their cars weeks after the finals have completed. Please don't tell me you are so hard up for a major league championship that you will accept it from a team made up of dorky-looking hosers who couldn't tell the difference between North Carolina BBQ and a Philly cheesesteak. Eh?

So why do I hate hockey so much? Because it is too much like soccer which is the athletic equivalent to John Tesh music - you're always expecting something to happen and it never does. It's extremely frustrating to watch a "sport" where the ball/puck continually changes hands/feet/stick (whatever!) for three hours until some canuk/Pele gets a lucky shot on goal. I'll bet TV viewers sleep through most of the goals scored, hoping to catch the "highlights" on SportsCenter. Any sport that has two columns for loses in a team's standings is asking to be ridiculed. I guess it's better than having four columns in the standings.

And what the hell is icing anyway? I thought this was a sport not a baking contest.

Sports pundits were claiming that fans wouldn't return to the game after last year's lockout. Ha! Sports fans are like dogs, it doesn't matter how long you are gone, when you come back they will piss all over the carpet with excitement that you have returned.

I guess this is the end result of the yankee invasion over the past decade and a half (damn carpetbaggers!). Let's just hope that this gets flushed out of our system by the time ACC basketball season starts.

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